Dear (former) users

I’m sure that I speak for everyone when I say that we all love getting e-mails from people close to us. Our niece who did something funny for school, an aunt who’s forwarding us a hoax, pictures from our crush she “couldn’t put on Instagram, hehe”.

Unfortunately, and I say this with a heavy heart, you and your comrades of your spam brigade aren’t one of those people whose mails I eagerly open. In fact, I’m pretty tired of receiving your mails I never signed up for, on an e-mail address we once created on a blue moon for a product we no longer sell. And which I certainly didn’t use to sign up for your… Free company reports?

The funny part is, if I try to unsubscribe your form tells me I already unsubscribed, which doesn’t explain why you’re still sending me those awful, stupid spam messages. But it gets far more interesting. Because when I want to complain to the company powering your mailing service, I see that you’re using And that company, my friend, stopped it’s services a long time ago. Maybe it never even existed. Maybe you’re just some moron who thinks he can make money by stealing e-mail addresses and sending mails for pointless shit to people, but thought it was clever to at least pretend you’re using a legitimate mailing service. Whom, by the way, let their domain name expire. Thank you for that domain name. It was beautiful and short, and I’m sure I can use it for something interesting. Six letter domain? Thanks.

In the off-chance that you read this, just like I read your e-mails with a throbbing hard and the overwhelming feeling of warmth given to me by the content of your junk mail, I’d like to thank you. Without you, the world would be a better place, and my inbox would be so barren of offers for items I’ll never buy.

Sincerely yours,